feeling overwhelmed
Lately, there's been so much to do.
It's going to be finals week soon, and the group works and deadlines are piling up in accordance with it. Not only that, but I've also been far too busy with art commissions and trades. I've had to do, what, 4? 5? Within the span of a week? Sometimes, I wonder if I've already gained art block a week ago, I'm just desperately trying to stay afloat.
If I'm not busy with schoolwork, then I'm doing my paid commissions, if I'm not making artwork, then I'm preparing a script for a presentation. Rinse and repeat. The only thing I've done for myself all week was draw myself personal artwork, which still counts as something I've been doing all day (drawing) anyways. Isn't that amusing?
But in a way, it is as much as a comfort for me as it is a burden. This constant occupation, the ability to have so much to do. It feels exhilarating and tiring at the same time.
I consider myself a workaholic, I inherited that trait from my mom. I've even asked my friends, and they're surprised I didn't catch up on the fact I even was sooner. I love checking off to-do lists, I love being assigned tasks. I love waking up in the morning and getting on that grind.
It's an addiction. A messy, weird addiction. It isn't inherently a bad thing to like "doing stuff", but I've gotten to the point of constant overwhelm because there is so much I want to do.
The truth about most workaholics is: they work to dull out the pain.
Being occupied means you have to focus on the task, not your own personal dilemmas, feeling tired and working up your brain over your job and mindless computing doesn't give space for rumination. It drowns out the negative feels, but it exhausts you in the process. I don't want to feel, so I choose to occupy myself with whatever possible. I don't want to think about my mistakes, my grief, so I try to make it so my brain is constantly preoccuppied instead. That's the toxic cycle.
When I went camping, I tried to clear out every responsibility I had before we arrived to the campsite. So I could relax and clear my mind. I did everything in the car, I multi-tasked doing my paperwork and art commissions at the same tie. Eventually, I finished just about everything.
But when I did, it felt like the floodgates of rumination were opened. Befalling hours and hours of regret and spiraling, I hated it, it hurt. I never did get to enjoy that camping trip to the fullest, because in my mind, I made the process of "enjoying the camping trip" a task to be checked off.
After that weekend, I took up commissions again and leading roles for group presentations. I submitted a paper to my school publication, and I sent myself back into that workaholic cycle. I did everything just to feel like nothing again, and it worked.
But that isn't healthy, and I can admit that. It's easy for me to say it but hard for me to truly understand. Sometimes, you just have to allow yourself to feel, y'know? Just let your emotions pass, take in how beautiful the day looks, look over your surroundings and inspect what interests you the most.
I haven't gotten the opportunity to just "slow down" in a good while, I want to do that now. Recently, I just read my RSS feed for the first time in what feels like forever, and it just felt.. nice. It felt nice to focus on the post, and only the post. It felt nice to read each sentence mindfully. I haven't gotten the proper chance to take care of myself lately, but I find that reading and writing is one of the ways I like to "take care of myself". It's very therapeutic.
I just got back from a pretty embarrassing interview at my school publication, and I still have a good chunk of things to do. But I'm breaking it all down into tiny chunks, I want to take things slowly from now on. Whatever "slowly" means to me.
I'm really excited for vacation. Maybe I'll just sleep all day for the first week, or maybe I'll go back to doing a thousand tasks. I don't know, but I do want to get some well-needed rest.
By the way, happy pride, everyone! :-)